SR Culture Primer

When one first arrives at Simon’s Rock, there will most likely be certain things that confuse, baffle, or perhaps even utterly confound them. The campus exists in something of an alternate dimension, as if it is subject to different rules than those of the outside world. It even has a unique culture of its own, unusual among many college campuses, for better or for worse. Therefore, here is a briefing on the core oddities and eccentricities of the Simon’s Rock environment—some inside jokes, odd trends, and even outright bizarre on-goings:

• Simon’s Rock Time: It is said that time distorts within our little hippie commune nestled far in the Berkshires, and to some extent that may be true. In 5 minutes actually means in 15, and 2:30pm means 2:45pm. This is approximate, of course, but a strange tendency nonetheless. Whether this is caused by novice students with no concept of punctuality or an actual time-warp, no one knows.
• Hippie Death Plague: The Hippie Death Plague is a humorous pet name given to the not so humorous illness that attempts to invade the immune systems of the entire campus like clockwork at the beginning of each semester. Some are left barely able to move, while others shrug it off and simply carry a box of tissues in their backpack, hacking and sniffling away. Be sure to keep yourself and your environment sanitary during these dark times, and be certain not to infect your brethren if you are unlucky enough to succumb to the disease lest you become the vector, no better than the illness itself.
• The Bubble: "The Bubble" is a term referring to how some feel that Simon’s Rock almost exists in its own bubble, disconnected from the outside world. It is easy to forget about the on-goings of the world when one is more concerned with their own failing relationship or likewise crumbling grades, enclosed within a small chunk of acreage. Some gradually begin to forget about the bigger picture and focus solely on the day to day lull or the excitement of life in the alternate dimension that is Simon’s Rock. That being said, be certain to not fall prey to this vicious cycle and keep your mind to the outside as well as the inside.
• Cursed Locales: There are certain curious landmarks of various natures spread about the campus. Some are more innocuous and merely strange, such as the cement pit next to the library or the water-damaged upper levels of the lecture center. Others, however, are genuinely ominous, such as the remnants of an old playground lost to the woods, a curious door to nowhere, the Dolliver bathrooms, or rumors of tunnels spanning the subterranean portions of campus. If you desire more information about the history of Simon’s Rock, be sure to inquire further, though it is perhaps best to avoid venturing into these uncharted ruins.
• The Mystery of Chartwell: The enigmatic Chartwell is a benevolent overlord that guides us with a charitable and helping hand, ensuring that all of our sustenance is nutritious yet also scrumptious to boot, adjectives that are usually antonyms. In his inner sanctum, he presides with arms open in a gesture of peace, radiant as a holy being should be, ready and willing to enlighten dedicated patrons with his omniscience. Should you decide to seek His path, merely open your mind to His realm, and do not dare to even acknowledge the foolish and petty Resistance, weak nonbelievers and deceivers all. 
• Humans vs. Zombies: Humans vs. Zombies, colloquially known as HvZ, is a campus-wide event in which undead abominations and harrowed survivors spend unreasonable amounts of time and energy stalking and chasing each other throughout the day, with due consent of course. Experiences range from painful to agonizing, crawling through the brush under nightfall like an injured Vietnam soldier or holing up and hurling projectile socks like artillery for hours in the direst war of attrition mankind has ever seen.
• Heartbeat: Picture trudging through the snow on a cold winter morning to Liebowitz, wafts of brittle air crackling against your face. Suddenly, you hear a foreboding thump, quickly followed by another. For a moment you stop and listen, but you quickly dismiss it as some creature of the woods. Yet, once more come the thumps. Now your interest, as well as your fears, are piqued, and you decide to locate the source of this mysterious noise. An inconspicuous brick building along the path, innocuous and basic, yet from within is humming and thumping, like the looming heart murmur of a hibernating beast unseen. You try the door, locked shut, and instinctively decide to preserve your life and hurry off to class, attempting to lock away this occult occurrence and banish it from memory like a tight-lipped secret long forgotten.
• The History of Simon’s Rock: The history of Simon’s Rock is odd, to say the least. In the past, Kellog was in an entirely different location, now moved via a single truck, Pibly was a gym, Blodgett was the founder’s home, and an abused gazebo resided near Crosby, which was removed due to certain problems. There are even more details and other trivia, and for a college with such a comparatively short history, it certainly doesn’t lack for color.

Angus MacLeod

​Angus Finn MacLeod is a Junior at Simon’s Rock and the Director of Opinions and Humor at The Weekly Cad.