In my opinion, the other day I spent over five hours messing around in the creek behind the Lecture Center. There was a big tree that had fallen over the river so I walked on it (balanced is a better word) and I did not fall and it was pretty great. Throughout this time, I thought to myself, “I better not have anything important in my pockets because I didn't bother to check beforehand if my phone, for example, or perhaps a $20 bill, also for example, would be in my pants pockets.” But the only thing that was in them was my ID and we all know the projected value of one brand-spanking-new Simon’s Rock ID: $10 every time you lose it in a bathroom then someone flushes it down the toilet because what else do you do with an ID? Someone’s being called a “manwhore” in front of me and I’m not sure how to feel. On the 14th of August I think I will become a manwhore too, but the best one—better than the one in front of me. Again, I think about the tree. When I was balancing I felt the most like a manwhore I ever had, or will, in my entire life probably. Compared to last semester when I didn’t feel like a manwhore at all, this semester has been ripe with opportunities to be the manwhore-iest I can, and by golly have I seized that opportunity by the balls. Look out world: I’m buying five-inch platforms next. And in my opinion, they’re bigger than your dick.
In my opinion, here’s a second article. I know it will make zero sense later. That’s okay though. Has anyone noticed everywhere on campus is covered in wild oregano? You roll around in it and suddenly you smell like Little Italy with a gaggle of nonnas following behind, inviting you over for dinner, paisano. Bro.
I’m freestyling now I don’t even care
I got brown and blonde hair
Stained red with dye from the box
Washed out now but the color still rocks
Guess what I’m wearing
Yeah it’s rainbow socks
My best friend from home still wears Docs
And my eyesight could be compared to that of a hawk’s
But that’s actually a lie. I have a cataract
and if I were the eye doctor who didn’t fix it I’d be sacked
yet I am still booling to the max