Back in 1968, everything was grooving and dances were bopping. Every time a new move was introduced to the Neighborhood of Simon’s Rock, (a secret group that hung around in the woods), the dance spread like wildfire. One dudette would start twisting her leg and BOOM, the Mashed Potato would be born. Dancing was infectious to them; morning was the only cure. All twenty-five of those decked-out hippies would gather every night just to dance for 10 hours straight, only releasing hands when they saw the sun above the trees.
Simon, their leader, made sure the Rockers kept on coming day after day by handing them some nice 2% milk as they walked into the clearing (milk helps with dancing stamina, of course). And Simon would announce to them the dancing theme of the night. None of the followers ever questioned Simon, for he was the one chosen by the milk gods (his story, of course) to tell them how to dance. So, when Simon said “do the Mashed Potato,” all would begin to twist their hips. This was how Simon liked it.
However, one night, Simon noticed that one of his followers was dancing to his own tune. The man danced by throwing one arm over his face, flinging the other into the air, then bending his knees and twisting: such was entitled the Crack and Dab. This Man in Bell-Bottoms and a Fringe Vest (as Simon referred to him, although every one of the dancers was dressed the same), he is disobeying me, Simon thought, it is time to take my revenge! That was when Simon began to plan.
The next evening, Simon placed a special mystic moss from the forest into all the cups of 2% milk. This, whence it was drunk, was supposed to make them obey Simon’s commands. But t’was not so!
The followers arrived, then began to dance, as usual, post-milk-consuming. Yet, rather than listen to Simon’s first command, they saw This Man in Bell-Bottoms and a Fringe Vest do his Crack and Dab and followed suit, bending knees and dabbing one arm delicately over their faces while gyrating hips. That was when the 2% kicked into gear. Their eyes glazed over, and they began to do the Crack and Dab back and forth faster and faster (Simon had put the speedy-up weed into the milk, not the mind-control moss, silly Simon!). All the dancers began to move even faster, then faster, then so fast that they turned into beams of light and shot into space. Simon watched, his eyes going crossed, then screamed, “Not again!”
He was not, however, expecting a response from beside his person: “How could you?” (It was This Man in Bell-Bottoms and a Fringe Vest, who had brought his own whole milk).
“I was drunk, on the power of milk!” A now-blind Simon sunk to his knees. “Avenge me! Avenge them!” And This Man in Bell-Bottoms and a Fringe Vest did just that. He went on to open a school, also in the middle of the woods, which he called Simon’s Rock (after the rock that Simon stood upon when commanding his people). And This Man in Bell-Bottoms and a Fringe Vest began a newspaper too, which he called the Crack and Dab (or CAD for short).