Many students here at Simon’s Rock are currently undergoing the crisis that is being distastefully and disrespectfully ignored by the administration. Every morning when students wake up, during meals, between classes… it is always there. This problem is deteriorating morale on campus at an alarming rate, yet nothing is being done about it! I am of course referring to the mysterious dilemma of Instagram’s functioning (or lack thereof) under Eduroam.
Disclaimer: It has come to my attention that not everyone who reads this enchanting article will realize that you should not, in fact, eat wild unidentified mushrooms. You shouldn’t really even touch them if you don’t know what they are. I mean, I can’t really stop you, but at least now that I’ve written this mandatory disclaimer I can say I tried.
To our maybe-benevolent-and-retired overlord:
Back in 1968, everything was grooving and dances were bopping. Every time a new move was introduced to the Neighborhood of Simon’s Rock, (a secret group that hung around in the woods), the dance spread like wildfire. One dudette would start twisting her leg and BOOM, the Mashed Potato would be born. Dancing was infectious to them; morning was the only cure. All twenty-five of those decked-out hippies would gather every night just to dance for 10 hours straight, only releasing hands when they saw the sun above the trees.
When one first arrives at Simon’s Rock, there will most likely be certain things that confuse, baffle, or perhaps even utterly confound them. The campus exists in something of an alternate dimension, as if it is subject to different rules than those of the outside world. It even has a unique culture of its own, unusual among many college campuses, for better or for worse. Therefore, here is a briefing on the core oddities and eccentricities of the Simon’s Rock environment—some inside jokes, odd trends, and even outright bizarre on-goings:
Below are the found records from that fateful day: March 25, 2019. These are meant to demonstrate the horrors of that time first-hand. They are organized in chronological order.
A truly marvelous display of humor, considerateness, and intelligence was shown this past April Fools when large sections of campus, including trees and memorials, were TP’d by an anonymous hooligan. This jape undoubtedly left those designated to clean it up chuckling to themselves whilst perched in a tree armed with only a pole and their wits against the blistering wind. The gag even led to ACE opportunities for desperate students, leaving everyone involved better off than they were before. My question is: why stop there when there are even better pranks out there? Therefore, I have compiled a list of 5 pranks that would have been better than papering the trees.
I knew the dame was trouble when she knocked on my door. “Hey there, Joe”, she said, “I got a problem you could maybe help with.”
Having caught Ian Bickford off-guard during the highly anticipated Simon's Rock Sports banquet, I realized I had found the perfect opportunity to ask Ian directly about Chartwell.