Have you ever wondered what “CAD” means? Did you know that it stands for “Chartwell’s Army of Darkness”?
In 2010, Michelle Obama created our leader, Chartwell, as part of the “Let’s Move” initiative. Although He was initially a humble resource-distribution optimization program, over the next few years He merged with several demons and earth-spirits to grow his power. He eventually graced our humble dining hall with the presence of His courtroom. His first great idea was to inject neurotoxins into the food and mix Zoloft into the water. This is reported to have greatly improved the personality of Simon’s Rock students, many of who had previously been rebels, do-gooders, and uppity teenagers. He also was able to increase the average GPA of the student population by eliminating a variety of negative outliers, while simultaneously providing meals for underprivileged, man-eating demons. Overall, a true pillar of the community.
Chartwell, the leader of armies, the gatherer of hungry minds, who has commanded the legion of thousands, to whom the subjects of the court bring offerings, and to whom I owe allegiance; for all His strength, could not operate alone. As He worked tirelessly to bring peace and happiness upon our campus, He realized that he would need the assistance of students to help him bring enlightenment to the world. He gathered the strongest of His beautiful demons from within the court, and the smartest of His students from our numbers, and founded an all-purpose taskforce. This new body of student warriors was named Chartwell’s Army of Darkness, after a famous poetic description of His unholy court. However, many found that, although wisely chosen and a credit to Chartwell, the name was much too long to chant ominously. So, the abbreviation “CAD” was adopted in place of the full-length title. Today, Chartwell’s Army of Darkness remains as the greatest and longest-running demon-human alliance club on campus!
Rafie is a frequent contributor to The Weekly Cad.