An Ode To Oscar Wilde; Or, The Insulter

 “Kenzie, you are a human slug: you feast, you defecate and you sleep. You never get laid, so, rather, I’d place you lower than the slug. Slugs, Kenzie, have managed to survive and adapt in this Darwinian world. I cannot say the same for you.” 

Silence. It seemed the table’s conversation ceased and redirected attention towards her. Jackie smiled. Jackie grinned. She did not laugh; that would be too much. Subtle enjoyment sufficed.

Kenzie was in shock. She looked at Jackie. She looked at her friends, or, those whom she thought to be her friends. One or two suppressed smiles.

“Jackie! Why would you say that.”

“Oh Sophia, you emotional leech—you hypocritical idolizing worshipper. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all.” Sophia looked about.

“Seriously Man, don’t talk to her like that.”

“Oh my friend, my good friend. You look like a mole with your lip upturned. Sit down and let the adults talk.
  
 “I don’t think any of you understand. You live your life only to die. Death has meaning, only in relation to life. And all of you are sitting around living in a sitcom—a horribly directed one I should add. Something for those teens who don’t have any means of existing other than the suffering of others. You involve yourself in all business but your own.
    
“If I wrote well, I’d dedicate a story… no… a novel! to your ways. You’re charlatans, sorry to break it to you.
  
 “There is hope, I’m a charlatan too! That’s the thing, we’re all charlatans and we all exist to fuel our egos and then we die. Simple as that! So, Kenzie, less than a slug but more than a worm, don’t take it personally. I’m a snake, Sophia is a rat, James is a mole and so on and so on...
  
 “Just laugh at it, ok? Just laugh at what I say, because, because there is no meaning. No meaning to my words, no meaning to my actions. I’m dirt, you’re bones, and we’re all heading to the grave.”
  
 Jackie stood up. Her head nearly hit the ceiling.

“If you are wondering whether to crucify or idolize me, I bid you to crucify and then idolize. It’s a wonderful paradigm and I would like to be included with other martyrs. Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Who said that? Was it John Lennon? James Joyce? I don’t know.”

Luke Iandoli

Luke is the Director of Current Events for the Cad.

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